After my last blog, I was asked if I had ever been happy throughout my entire life.
The question also followed: Was I equally sad in my last relationship?
If one scrolls down my blogs, they are filled with my feelings, which are unquestionably dark and sad. But again, they are pretty much real and part of my life.

Tough questions, I must say. I really had to think hard before answering those.

When I flip through the album of my memories, I first recall the trip I took with my best friend. One random evening in 2009, we decided to pack our bags and take a bus to an unknown destination. The joy and happiness of travelling with him for the first time were immense. We took the wrong route and sipped a not-so-chilled beer next to a hot spring. The destination didn’t matter. Yes, I was happy.

The contentment of seeing the Himalayas through the clouds, which creates a beautiful shadow play, is baffling. In 2010, I got to travel to Leh for the first time, and that feeling was happiness.

The first international trip is always memorable. When it happens with the people you want to travel with, it becomes unforgettable. Such was our first trip to Thailand. The vacation booking involved endless emails and calls between India and the UK. It was more thrilling than the trip itself. While one was already studying abroad, the other two were travelling internationally for the first time. The amateur jitters are most unexplanatory. That one week was happiness. Honestly, Bangkok is a happy place for me. Its vibes match my wavelength.

The other two unforgettable moments were. The first was the coming of the twins. I was completely frozen as I saw them and even forgot to click. And then the little foot who slept in my lap before her mother. Both of them at their respective times, gave me that enigmatic feeling.

Ultimately, the thing that gives me Nirvana; is Singing. The feeling that cannot be manifested; when I close my eyes and hum anything.

These are not the only moments where I have been happy and felt content. However, the moments were so short-lived that I just smiled through. At times I do feel that the fake world has grown upon me. I have even forgotten my real smile. Some friends who have walked aside have also left me in the middle of the road. Some criticise to make me strong and also make sure I am hurt. Well, I know the world is not an easy place to live, and it’s not even easy to die. So, all I do is keep walking till I fall or the happiness takes over.

Most importantly, to answer the questions where I started with: yes, I have been happy in life. Happiness in its fragments.
I was very happy in my last relationship. Then he decided to shatter my world into tiny little pieces, pieces that can never come together again.
And for you, my love, he left a task in hand. I came to you true and in that chipped shape. I never wanted anyone to bear the burden of my past. However, the butterflies were real, and so were my feelings for you. You have to find and collect those pieces through time, and slowly I will heal with your love. The day when you kept your hand on my heart, I knew I would. We will together find a new meaning to happiness.

with love,
Ankur Mondal