It’s the pandemic of over communication that has led to an absence of self-belief.

I still remember the last few weeks of my graduating year. I was called upon the stage and was awarded the “Best All-Rounder (Cultural)” award. It made it more special it was conveyed to me by one of my professors that no one ever was conferred with this award before me. Holding that trophy was one of the best feelings of my life. I dreamed of a creative life ahead. The creativity that gives me happiness.

Since childhood, I was a bit different from others. I knew my creative bent of mind was a special gift to me. Creating things out of scrap is something I always loved. I loved to sing, paint, dance, and had a keen interest in gymnastics/ Aerobics. The patriarchal Indian society would look down on a boy flipping left to right in a leotard. So, I was always the point of discussion and a subject of mockery. I, by default, was labelled as Chakka (Transgender). So, to avoid creating more drama in life, I decided to cancel out the idea of being a gymnast. Also, the school never had an adequate facility to train, as that was not a popular sport that any school would invest in. 

Next comes our not-so-great education system. A child who is interested in a vocational subject like fine arts or music is criticised for ‘wasting’ his entire life on things that they think will not be working for him. The parents of a middle-class family would think an average scoring boy has to end up either being a clerk or a janitor as per them. So, the passion in the kids are buried. Kids are made to study things that will never come handy to them, and in this process, the joy of learning gradually dies. There are options of learning outside with a private trainer, but a family who is surviving on a hand-to-mouth salary is never able to afford that. Moreover, when the family responsibility is thrust upon, all passion is shown the door.

This is the story of millions of people who cannot afford to live up to their dream. My case was no different. But, I am thankful to the theatre group Bikalpa, which I was a part of throughout my school days, and a few others I got in touch with during these years. Because of them, I got to learn a lot. They were the sources of inspiration and opened my eyes to the cultural side of the world. The vast possibilities and endless ways of presenting your views. But sadly, even though I accepted them as my Gurus, they probably never accepted me as a student. Everything was very momentary. I was looking for stability in this temporary world.

After dragging myself out from all the chaos, when I finally reached college. I was hanging in the middle of nowhere. However, I was still young. There was a fire burning somewhere inside me. I really wanted to go to an art college or a music school. But my fate had some other plans. So, I landed up in a college which was culturally barren. There was a society for its name and but non-existent. The worst thing over that, every other institution was sceptical about inviting my college because of its past record. 

It’s very difficult for a new bird to nest in an unknown forest. Well, I tried my best to fit in and gradually developed multiple societies under me. By the end of the year, I was proud of what I did. Not just awards, I brought a name to the limelight. When I was appreciated for having a creative bent of mind, I got an assurance that I would become famous someday. With that hope, I made my way into advertising. The glamorous the world looks like, the darker it is from inside. Eventually, I got into the assembly-line and it was nowhere creative. The fire slowly started to douse.

Did I still have an option to choose a different field? NO. The family expectations and responsibilities took over the dreams. Yes, at private gatherings I am always reminded of the things that I did for my family, but at the same time, these reminders make me feel miserable because it also reminds me of things that I couldn’t do for myself.

Even after so many years, when I scroll down through the social media timelines, all I get is disappointments. Yes, It always makes me think – had my father thought of spending a fortune on our future instead of the furniture, I could have become what I always wanted to be. I wish I could continue my Indian classical vocal training classes and not call it an end right after a few months of joining. I wish had equal leverage of studying and exploring my passion, instead of shuffling between morning job and evening college. Singing a silly song or uploading a picture on social media channels might make me happy momentarily, but I know those feelings are temporary and not satisfactory. So far, I realised that I am Jack of all trades, and master of none.

On one hand, there is this generation, I followed and learned things from. They are superior till date and will keep ruling the world of art and culture. All I can do is to look up to them and always question myself; will I ever be able to be like them?
On the other hand, there are these younger people who have the privilege of pursuing their dreams and who could leverage social media to reach out to millions to show their calibre. They are born and grown up in this generation of reality show, and they die for 5 seconds of fame. They are all in this rat race of being rich and famous, and we are conditioned to idealise them as youth icons.
And then there is me, stuck in the middle, clueless – A good-for-nothing average guy.

– Ankur Mondal