It is always (very) important to accept yourself before you expect anyone else to accept you.

Hi, I am Ankur Mondal and this is my story.

It took me two wrong relationships and a failed person to discover the real me.

Since childhood, because of my calm nature, my fellow students have called me by names such as ‘Hijra’, ‘Chakka’, ‘Ladies’ and what not. Such homophobic slurs would wear me down slowly and gradually. I am a survivor of child abuse, but I never knew what exactly was happening when the incidents took place. I was just going with the flow, unaware of the reality. I used to think, it was just a phase before I could learn to differentiate between sexual pleasure and abuse. This lasted in my life for almost two and a half years, and the grooming made me feel addicted to that person. Later, he got married and moved on. That was the first heartbreak of my life, unaware of real love.

Today, I find it funny, how I used to get defensive when people would call me gay.

From adolescence to youth; I would not feel the sexual urge. When my other friends were already testing their testosterone limits and falling in love, I did not even feel the kick to fall for anyone. It is when I started the professional journey I met two women, at different phases of my life. However, none of the relationships seemed complete to me. I was left alone to introspect and join the missing dots. I knew I was attracted to men, but, I never dared to take a step ahead and talk to anyone. The fear of social embarrassment made it worse.

I used to think if I came out to my family and people I have grown up with, they would disown me. I always lived in a fear of losing them. I am someone who grew up with them, yet was apprehensive of not being accepted. That was the biggest fear that held me back. It was in 2014, I gathered the courage to come out, initially to my sister and later to my best friends. I still remember the day when I decided to come out to my friends. We all gathered at brunch as a friend was leaving for abroad. After the meal, I gathered everyone at the dining table and gave them the context without telling them the exact words. Finally, when I told them “I am gay“, there was pin-drop silence for a minute. To my surprise, my best friend laughed and said, “this is something that we know. What’s next?“. I was overwhelmed. I didn’t know how was I supposed to feel or react; because that was the moment when “I felt accepted”. Accepted the way I am and has always been.

The following year, I met the man I thought would be the man of my life (I was proved wrong though). It was just the handful of friends who knew, who I am, but that man gave me the courage to accept my love in front of the world. Understand love and say it out loud. A year later, even my parents got to know about us. That was an emotional ride, however, they gradually got on terms with my relationship. Acceptance is a gradual process and one needs to respect that and give it the required time. However, my luck did not favour. His parents were not like mine. They got him married to a woman in 2017. Sacrificing his love and hiding his identity, he left me in a dark cell of sadness for his parents’ pride. Probably, he found that worth it. On the contrary, my mother held me; when I was sinking.

Sad story apart, I feel it is my self-acceptance that lets me stand with pride in front of the world, without any fear. Now, I answer casual questions like what are you doing tonight? Or are you dating anyone?; being true to myself. And there, for them, I am not gay Ankur; I am just Ankur.

“Love can be found in unexpected places. Sometimes we go out searching for what we think we want and we end up with what we’re supposed to have.”

I am no one to pass sermons whether a person should come out or not because we all have different stories and backgrounds and compulsions. But I feel we all need a compassionate person to speak to. There is never a right time to come out. Just come out to yourself first and accept yourself completely. The rest will just follow.

– Ankur Mondal