GAY. The word has two meanings light-hearted and carefree; and homosexual. When one is brought up in the Indian society, one doesn’t learn either of these two meanings; albeit what one learns as the meaning of the word is Chakka. Any effeminate man or any man acting in a feminine way, as per Indian societal norms, is branded as Chakka or Gay. This is what is inculcated in the minds of our children. Watching reality TV shows, if any male judge is wearing unorthodox or so-called-non-manly clothes, they are openly termed Chakka or Gay. This is what the children in our society see and learn; that the word Gay is derogatory, cheap and can be used as an abuse. Thanks to some stereotypical characters and actors, this has become more prominent.

Brought up in a similar Indian family, hearing the same stuff, I never wanted to be called Gay. It was very late in time that I realized that I WAS Gay. When the word itself is a taboo, one doesn’t relate it to it that soon in life. Only when it is too late that one realizes the fact and becomes accepting about it. Thereafter, it takes a lot of pain (and guts) to accept yourself completely for who you are and then to come out to your family -the people whom you love so much that you don’t want to see them in any pain, be it emotional or physical. Sometimes, this coming out might be late enough for things to go haywire, for everything dear to you to be destroyed.

Looking back at my life, I realize that it was always there; my attraction for the same sex has always been there. The neither-feminine-nor-macho-me was always there; the one who has always been called names such as Didi, Bua or Ladki. I wouldn’t deny the fact that people would have called me Chakka or Gay. It used to bother me at that time but now that I have accepted me the way I am, it really doesn’t matter to me. It was just that the patriarchal Indian society never ever gave me a chance to come out or to accept myself as who I am without being ashamed of the fact.

Being a kid, when other boys used to play cricket, I used to play Ghar-Ghar with the girls of my neighborhood. When no one used to be home, I used to wear mom’s petticoat and dupatta, pretending it to be lehnga-chunni and would just swirl and enjoy the feeling. Now, I realize the reason why I loved Pathani Suit; because of its resemblance to salwar suit. I would feel elated wearing make up for the school functions. Having secret attraction towards one of the boys, who was from the neighborhood and also a classmate, was another great feeling.

Growing up gay with an elder brother, who is  macho as per the societal norms, but is too caring and over-protective, is another hell of a task. I remember when we used to watch F-TV, that was the best kind of nudity available for us at that time, I would just ogle at the male models. I have even masturbated thinking about them. At one instance, my brother caught me masturbating and then asked about the white fluid. Obviously, I was mute, out of embarrassment and also from fear. He did warn me not to do that again as it is not a good thing to do and it might as well result in something adverse happening to the family. After that, I tried resisting the urge to masturbate but couldn’t control my emotions enough, teenage is to blame. While masturbating I imagined one of those male models or the boy crush I had from my school-cum-neighborhood. I had no realization of my sexuality back then. I was too naïve and also was too busy focusing on studies to achieve the best of the grades, top the school so that my family, my parents would feel proud of me. Even in my 10^th standard, when my classmates would discuss about sex/sexual stuff, it was all new to me and hence, I was generally left alone in such situations. It kind of felt odd not being able to be a part of the discussion but then it didn’t matter; all I cared at that time was to study, study and study to excel in the IIT-JEE. Moreover, when I told my mom about the discussion, she asked me to stay away from such dirty discussions and focus on studies. This is how any child in an Indian middle class family is brought up; irrespective of their sexuality.

It was during my college that I first started exploring the internet for alternate sexualities. As it generally happens, you begin with the bad part of the community first, sex and sex seekers. It would be wrong on my part if I would deny being a cam-sex addict myself. I didn’t have laptop in the first two years of my college life and then the one that I owned during the latter half of the college, didn’t have a camera. Basically, it was always my roommate’s laptop which I used for relieving my urge. It all started with googling for such things in the first year, at night when my roommate used to go to sleep, and making a fake Skype ID. The process continued throughout the college life with the only progress of having an additional fake Facebook ID. I would as well look at the shirtless guys in the hostel, in the washroom area and just satisfy my eyes.  During this whole exposure to the community outside, there was a slight realization of my sexuality but there was a shame as well. The terms, Homo or Gay, as were used in the hostel by the boys, showed the contempt which the society has for such people. Gay has always been a curse word for the boys in the hostel even if it was out of mockery.

During the college, one of our seniors was out and I faintly remember the things people in our hostel talked about him when we got to know about his sexuality. I was not ready to be out at that time, moreover, I thought of it as a phase and that it would soon be over and I would marry a girl as a so-called-normal guy would, make my parents proud and live a happy life.

With an unmarried elder brother, thankfully, I was not forced to marry immediately any time after passing out from college. The cam sex stuff continued during the first two years of my career. It was a small place and being in-the-closet, the best one could do was chat with random people through fake FB profile and sometimes through Skype. This all happened when my colleagues-cum-flatmates-cum friends were not there. Coming out to friends as well becomes difficult with uncertainty of acceptance, especially when they have been taunting you of having feminine traits. This time as well, my feelings and emotions were masked by the urge of learning more and more as it was the start of my career and thereafter, switching to a better paying job as soon as that was possible. Moreover, the notion of it being a phase which would soon be over was still there, even though at the back of my mind I knew what the reality was. The thought of marrying a girl at the end of this phase was replaced by rational thinking of not marrying at all; another taboo in the Indian society where a well earning 20+ years old is seen as an eligible prospect for marriage and the family’s reputation is under question for not marrying their son at this so-called marriageable age.

My patience and hard work bore fruits and at the end of my first two years of in the industry, I got a job offer from one of the most reputed organizations in India which was well paying and would need me to relocate to Delhi. With my brother there in Delhi, it was decided that we would move in together. The first year went by settling in the new metropolitan atmosphere as well as in a new position in such an esteemed organization. When things were going on fine, I was introduced to Grindr and Planet Romeo and with my base in Delhi; it was much easier to connect with others of my like. At the age of 25, when the urge to be intimate to someone was at its peak, I resorted to Grindr and had a random sex date with a stranger. The next morning was the most awful one that I had till then. There was a conflict inside me of having sex with someone before marriage, of having sex with a random person, of having sex with a guy and foremost of all of my sexuality. It was a feeling when you don’t even want to look at your face in the mirror as it oozed out of disgust. It was really a hard time when you have to be strong enough so that the uneasiness within is not shown on the exterior,  when you have to pretend to the people you love that you are fine along with keeping up your standards at work.

I felt all this even after knowing a lot about alternate sexualities, so I cannot blame the people not belonging to the community and not knowing about such sexualities existing to understand the difficulties the community faces. It took months for me to accept myself with all the internal reasoning and justification of each and every thing I had done till then, every emotion I had and moreover of how would my family would react if they come to know about it. I tried resisting any such feelings in the very start as I was not completely acceptable of myself but then logic gave way to emotions and feelings and I understood that this is who I am and no matter how hard I try, I wouldn’t be able to control my emotions. With such cool parents as mine, I had a positive feeling that they would accept me for whom I am and there wouldn’t be much fuss about it and this made myself more acceptable of myself.

After these difficult months, I thought of experimenting and trying a hand at the gay life of a metro; and that doesn’t mean having random sex dates but I was hoping for a romantic affair, falling in love with someone special. I was already 25 and had not even had a fling with anyone when my classmates have had multiple affairs or some of them had been in relationships for years. Looking back at the school and college time, I realize why I never had been in such an affair because I never had those feelings for any girl. There have been multiple signs from many of my classmates which I was never able to grasp. I have laughed at myself thinking of how I silly I was back then and how long it took me to accept myself with all the signs around; all I needed was to sew all the those signs scattered all around me.

It was then on PR, a guy; full of attitude, kind of intellectual and creative; caught my attention. Chats on PR followed by chats on FB; real IDs this time and then after assuring myself that people out there are no beasts who would eat me up, I shed the inhibition of meeting him. Although, the inhibition was not completely gone, that’s why the venue for the meeting was chosen as a coffee shop in a mall nearby. The guy seemed pretty decent and as it turns out for most of the coffee dates, it turned into a sex date at my place. Hopeless me had already fallen for this guy; infatuation it was, as it turned out to be 8 months later. This guy was not even over his ex-straight BFF even after more than a year of separation. I was stupid enough to hang around this guy for over half a year, trying my best to be a part of his life when all he wanted was a friend, may be, or a friend with benefits; benefits of all sorts – sex, money and company.

I was so blinded by my emotions that I couldn’t even see through his tricks of getting all these benefits out of me; he continued dating other guys as well during the course and I was thinking that I’ve met my soul mate. I would not blame this guy completely; it was my fault as well for encouraging such a behavior; wherein I would buy him clothes, perfumes, gifts, movies, lunches, dinners and what not. This was my first time in a relationship (so-called) and it was a bad experience but I loved the affection which was showered upon me by him. I loved that feeling but I realized that there was a much better feeling when you are actually loved by someone selflessly. It was through this guy that I happened to meet my real soul mate, my babu shona.

It was a musical event when we first met one and half years ago. This first meeting then turned out to be stalking on Grindr, right swipe on Tinder, chatting on WhatsApp, becoming friends on Facebook and talking on phone. After about a month, it was our first meeting at Starbucks, even though I was not so interested but something about this guy attracted me towards him, to meet him at least once and not to break his heart. This first meeting led way to many more such meetings over a period of another month and it was over this month, that I realized the true feeling of being loved by someone in a romantic way, the care that can be showered upon someone. It was during this time that I realized how people who are romantically involved would take care- whether the other person has eaten on time, took a good rest, slept well et al. During these meetings, we would discuss everything but our future together; work, families, hardships, friends, etc. At the very first night out, which was planned at his place, I expressed my feelings for him which were equally reciprocated and there began a beautiful journey of love &  belongingness.

It really is a great feeling to be with someone, beginning morning with their voice, keeping a regular tab on their activities, meeting in the evening, missing them during the moments when you are not together.

It all made sense now. I, who always considered myself very practical and non-emotional, felt every inch of my soul and my body belonging to him.

It was during this time when I decided to come out to my parents as it would require their approval for us to settle down together. I had a very positive feeling of acceptance at home. Who knew, that even finding a single moment of letting my feelings known to my parents would be this difficult when they are engulfed with problems of their own; finding a bride for my brother, issues with his job, bad health of both of my parents and lots more. I could not find a single moment to express my feelings to them, to open up to them; it was always about consoling them that everything would be fine and their lifetime of hard work will bear fruits and they would enjoy a happy life, if not earlier but at least in the later decades of their lives. I had to play strong so that things don’t scatter away. Things just went on with a hope of finding a right time for me to let my parents know of my sexuality. I had my guy to support me throughout this time, who kept on assuring me that the right time for this will surely come. My elder brother, from somewhere, found out about my sexuality and once confronted me on this. I surprised myself by replying strongly to him, for the very first time and declaring to him that I AM GAY. It was a melodrama after that. I knew that my brother would not accept me for this, him being a macho, a bully all his life. I was not expecting any support from him either. The matter was brushed under the carpet as he was about to get married in the same month.

Time went by and the thought of getting me married struck my parents’ minds. This happened only a month or two after my brother got married. With all the issues and problems in the family, I just kept on insisting to not get me married at all; without revealing the real reason behind that. They considered it to be a general negation which every other marriageable guy does initially. I never came to know that they were serious about getting this over with this early. Prospective brides were being looked for, all in haste, by all the relatives. I could not gather enough courage to tell my parents the truth. Photographs and biodata of girls were sent to my email id, which I conveniently ignored.  One of the families came to our home in Delhi to have a look at me, even after I told my parents not to do so; all this being arranged by my brother.  On one such unfortunate day, I got a call from my parents telling me that they would be coming down to Delhi to meet the family and the girl and I had to join them as well. I was timid enough to deny them and then the following weekend, I was taken there, and all decked up, made to meet the girl, talked to her for 5 minutes and was asked to make a decision. I was shell shocked as I was not prepared to do so; I came in there with a mindset of delaying the matter, opening up to my parents at home and then saying no to this girl’s family. Everything fell out of place at that instant. I had to gather all the courage to tell my mom about myself. I never imagined that I would be opening up and coming out to my mother in such a situation. It was then that I told my mom that I liked boys and I don’t want to marry a girl. Then, the least what I had expected happened, my mom was all furious and highly non-accepting of this fact. She herself made a decision of getting me married to this girl and my choice didn’t matter at all. I was broken to pieces.

It wasn’t me or my future which shattered there but it was my guy’s dreams which did. I could clearly see him breaking down. All the bubbles of our dreams we had woven together of our beautiful future, popping into thin air.

It wasn’t the girl I cared about, I knew I would be doing injustice to her but all I cared was for my guy. My guy; whose love I rekindled after much heartbreak, whose only support was my love and I was taking everything away from him. People can call me selfish for ruining a girl’s life but the decision was made. The engagement was sealed.

That day, after coming back home, I just cried and cried. There was no one in this world who would understand what I was going through or how I felt. The society has made being gay a big taboo where not only the gay man cannot live an honest life but if his family comes out in support of him he has to face the consequences as well. I understand what my dad was thinking when he came to know the next day. He did listen to what I told him but the main fear was of the society which I could see in his eyes. The societal pressure becomes humongous when you have a younger sister; as the parents are afraid of the fact that who would marry their daughter if the family has a bad name. But I decided not to kill my identity for my family’s reputation; I decided to fight till the end but in a subtle way. Subtle way it had to be because of the deteriorating health of both my father and mother. Any adverse decision on my end would destroy the entire family. My brother’s marriage would be on the rocks because of a single wrong decision which I would take. I was mentally being stretched on two different sides by two strong forces; on one hand I could not leave my family and let them be to face the society in such bad times while on the other hand I could not let my man break down once again all alone.

I tried convincing them using all means possible to annul this engagement and let me be. I promised them, in lieu of this, I would never meet my man but I would just not marry ever. They would not agree to any of this. From parents’ perspective, I totally understand that they want their children to be happy and that there is someone to take care of their children when they are gone. But they should also understand that it is not a disease or a disorder which can be cured. They took me to psychiatrist and to my amazement this lady doctor was of the opinion that one can switch their sexuality with their will power. I reasoned with her but I failed. I wanted my parents to go to another counselor or another psychiatrist but as my fate had, the psychiatrist I first met made things difficult.

I stopped talking to anyone; parents, brother, friends, colleagues. I didn’t feel like talking. I just felt like crying. I felt like I was a toy who had no emotions and is being played as per the wish of the owners. As if, the parents, who brought me into this world, owned me and had every right to decide my future without my consent to any of it.

I felt jealous of the animals, which can be with anyone they want without their parents’ interference their lives. I lost the last bit of faith I had in God because of what happened with me. I have always trusted in the fact that whatever happens; happens for a reason and happens for good but I could not see any reason or any good coming out of this. After this incident, a lot has changed in my life; I have become short tempered, absent minded and more secluded. I don’t like going out much anymore. I don’t like to interact with people anymore. I have lost a great deal of confidence. I have had numerous sleepless nights.

My man, he has supported me throughout this time. I cannot even imagine what he himself is undergoing but he still gives me hope that everything will be alright. He himself is in lot of pain but he acts as a support system for me.

It would be soon enough when they would get me married as well. I recently got to know that it is only over a month’s time that the marriage is scheduled. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to ruin this girl’s life. I don’t want my man to live a lonely life. I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t see a way out of it. My family is not ready to listen to any of my point; what they believe is that marriage will make me fine. I know from the bottom of my heart, this marriage will be in ruins and would ruin at least three lives. I don’t want to be a part of this disaster. I would end my life before any such thing happens.

Yes. Dying is the easiest option to evade the atrocities of life but that is not what the courageous do. Brave people fight it till the end. Moreover, if I choose to die, it would just be a one-time affair for me but my man, my family would die a hundred times over and over again blaming themselves. This is not what I want to leave behind me. I have promised my man that I would not take such a step of dying. I have decided to fight against it and I will do so, with my man’s support, no matter how long it takes to bring everything on track. After all, that is what life is all about.

– M V